In the summer leading to my freshman year of high school, something super natural, and ridiculously crazy happened:
I grew an ass.
My mother, me, nor my friends could figure out where on earth it had come from. I had since entered puberty,many years before, and could not attribute my new found figure to mother nature, birthing hips(I was still a virgin), or a change in diet.
In my mind, my prayer had CLEARLY just been pending God’s approval list and the holy spirit finally allowed me to flourish.
You could not tell me anything.
That is, until the attention wasn’t so flattering.
Around my freshman year of college, I started receiving explicit comments from men who thought I enjoyed being spoken to like a sexual object, and hate messages (honesty box HA) from fellow women, assuming that I was a certain “type” of person because of the way I was shaped, or the way my clothes seemed to fit me.
At that moment, being “blessed” didn’t feel like much of a blessing at all.
I became extremely insecure and even convinced myself that someone was only interested in me because of the way I was shaped, and not for the person that I was.
Inside, I was fighting an internal battle, while on the exterior, I would humbly accept comments like:
“I would kill to have a body like yours.”
"You are the perfect size. Don't change."
“You have it so good.”
“Share your diet secrets with me!”
But there was no diet, no crazy exercise plan, and no secret. It was what it was, and naturally, my body did what it wanted.
On the weeks when I didn't look so "thick", I’d get reminders and comments such as:
“Damn you’re losing it.”
“I remember when your ass use to be so fat.”
“Are you eating?”
“You look anorexic.”
It drove me insane, and to a place of anger and uncertainty, making me feel like I had to uphold this standard of booty excellence that my social surroundings were subjecting me to.
It's funny: while some people were giving me their best version of an unsolicited compliment, they were also confirming to me that I had no right to be anything other than that one shape they admired.
What was even more frustrating was the fact that many people could not empathize with me, simply because I was not over or underweight.
Newsflash: Women of ALL shapes and sizes deal with issues related to their bodies,
no matter how fit or perfect they appear to be.
From time to time, I still find myself doubling back, or recounting a certain comment, but for the most part, I have removed such foolery from my mind. I’ve had a serious conversation with myself, and have since developed the mantra below.
If you’ve ever dealt with public scrutiny, or are currently dealing with body related insecurities, these words may bring some comfort to you too.